SEPTEMBER 12, 2007
Greetings, faithful readers (and I am indeed grateful). In looking at my calendar for the last couple of weeks, I was having a tough time deciding my next topic. I realized that this is due, at least in part, to having become accustomed to life in Shanghai to the point where that which my friends and family might find unusual, we now starting to find "normal" (and there is a part of me that thinks "Oh, God!! How did that happen?"). So I think I will attempt to highlight a few of our activities of the last couple of weeks, but then touch on some of the idosyncracies of life in Shanghai that my readers might find interesting.
With the arrival of Labor Day in the states, we realized that we were coming into football season (AMERICAN football .... not to be confused with the rest of the world's seeming obsession with soccer ... YUCK!!). Randy had mentioned to me that a bar/restaurant in our neighborhood called Bubba's Texas Roadhouse was planning to televise via tape delay 5 or 6 NCAA football games on Saturdays and Sundays during the season. The premise seemed interesting. The owner of Bubba's publishes an online poll to determine which are the more popular games, and then basically TIVO's the games to be broadcast at the restaurant. We'd discovered the game between Michigan State Spartans and the University of Alabama - Birmingham was being shown on Sunday, September 2, so we decided to take in a game and enjoy a bit of BBQ to comfort ourselves about the fact that there seems to be no notice of REAL football here at all. We had to warn folks back home to not reveal the score of the game to us so we could be surprised.
We'd actually been to Bubba's once previously in the spring, and didn't find the experience worth repeating, but the addition of the football game gave us incentive to give them another look-see. There were only two seats left in the place when we arrived, and they were at the bar, but there was a nice sized TV monitor on the far side of the bar, and we had a good view. There were quite a few "Sparties" on the premises so we enjoyed a few conversations with some of them (my grandparents while wintering in Florida always had this habit of asking Michiganders "Who are you back home?" which always bemused me, but now I sort of understand it). The fellow sitting next to me at the bar seemed to be rooting for State, so I asked if he was from Michigan. Oh, no .... Mississippi. OK. I must have had a quizzical look on my face because he went on to explain that he rooted for anybody who goes up against UAB. OK, THAT I understood .... like MY favorite team is anybody who plays Notre Dame (the "God is on OUR side" college). I mentioned my ND aversion, and he replied that he and I MIGHT have issues, but with a big wink.
The game was a blow out in MSU's favor, but Bubba's redeemed themselves with a really outstanding meal of smoked ribs, corn bread, beans, and fries .... good old fashioned comfort food that might have come straight off my Daddy's grill. And I enjoyed what may have been the very best dirty martini I have ever tasted. Here in Shanghai, asking for a dirty martini is an iffy proposition .... you may or may not get the desired libation, so I was very pleasantly surprised.
That same weekend, our compound hosted another dance in the plaza, this time with a Latin flair. A band had been procured, and Salsa was their specialty. My friend, Suely, told us to expect gazpacho from her kitchen, so in keeping with the theme, I thought it might be nice to take along some sangria. I had all the ingredients. Now all I needed was a container in which to mix and transport it.
Everything in Shanghai is made for convenience of storage in a place where lack of space is a prime concern. There is no such thing as a pitcher larger than quart and a half anywhere in this city .... believe me, we've searched high and low. Well, being the industrious camper that I am, I decided the four litre plastic jugs which contained our bottled water would do the trick. I sliced the oranges and apples thin enough to go through the opening, mixed in the wine, juice, and ginger ale, and we were good to go. I even had the foresight to freeze an orange and slice it for a duel purpose way to garnish and cool our drinks, although keeping anything chilled for long in this heat is a challenge.
Anyway, had a really nice evening, met some new American expats, drank too much sangria, and truly enjoyed some of the BEST gazpacho ever. Unfortunately our evening was cut short by an unexpected rain shower. But lately, I have to say that rain showers are a welcome respite from the steaming heat of the late summer in the city.
Our Ayi is doing very well, and I am really pleased with my decision to hire her. There was a bit of a mix up at first concerning which day of the week she'd be working here, but that's resolved. I apparently am quite lucky to have been blessed with a hard working and efficient Ayi. Many of my expat lady friends have conveyed displeasure with some of their help along with a few horror stories: "She washed the dishes with the same rag with which she cleaned the toilet!!" "I went out for groceries, and when I came back, she was asleep on the sofa!!" "She didn't know how to do the simplest things ... had to teach her EVERYTHING!!"
Well, I can report that I have nothing but good news on that score. I did have concerns about the lunch situation .... was I to provide lunch for my Ayi, or not? I was getting mixed answers from the other expat ladies. I decided to err in favor of the full stomach, and mixed up a mess of stir fried cabbage with noodles, and a side dish of yogurt last week which went over extremely well, so I think I've got the "Ayi mistress" role figured out. She is very sweet, but bless her heart, doesn't know a word of English! S'OK. We smile at each other a lot.
This past weekend, we had an opportunity to visit a beach just outside of Shanghai. A coworker of Randy's, Wind (yes, that is his chosen English name) and his wife, Nicole (also the chosen English name), invited us to ride along with them. Wind and Nicole live only a block or two away from us, and it's really handy having some local Chinese friends nearby. They had decided to drive to a coastal community to check out an investment opportunity, and graciously offered to take us along so we could see some new territory.
The weather was overcast and gray, and threatened rain most of the day, but we were undaunted. After an hour's travel, we arrived at a rather lovely park area built along the shore where quite a number of Chinese folks were swimming and frolicking in the sand. There was a large, meandering boardwalk with lots of kiosks selling beverages, meat on a stick, swimsuits, and various beach toys and trinkets. Large inflatable amusement activities for children peppered the sand, and bicycles built for two (or three) or jet skis could be rented for a few hours.
Wind and Nicole are considering the rental of one of the above mentioned kiosks for next season to sell beverages to thirsty beach goers. The entire beach area is enclosed by a large pier which can be traveled by foot, bike, or car. Within that area, the water is filtered and cleaned so as to make it appropriate for swimming. And it did look pretty nice (much to our surprise). We waded a bit, mostly just so we could say we'd actually set foot in the China Sea ... it wasn't much different than one of the Great Lakes.
After walking the pier, we sat down to a lovely BBQ lunch of various noodles and meat on a stick ... chicken, pork, and seafood (Wind called it "Sleeve Fish," but it reminded me of squid ... quite tasty). It was a relief to not have a blazing hot day for a change, the breeze was cool and refreshing, and Wind and Nicole were charming hosts.
The catalyst for touching on this "slice of life in Shanghai" topic was the reception of an email from my expat friend, Katja. I didn't want to utilize the entire email (which was rather lengthy), but I have picked out excerpts which I think you'll find interesting, and added my own ramblings. At any rate, we expats got a great laugh out of it as these are things we experience almost daily.
"You know you've been in China too long when ...."
You're at an expensive western restaurant and don't even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his cell phone. > OK, this could be anywhere in the world, but everyone DOES seem to be louder in China, maybe due to the fact that one must always speak over hundreds of others who are all trying hard to speak over YOU!
You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio. > I do find this interesting. There are large numbers of people here who walk backwards for exercise. I'm not sure what's up with that, but it is amusing. There is also a lady in our complex who marches quite religiously every morning over the bed of river rocks that are meant to disguise our rather large drainage covers in the park while clapping her hands loudly. Again, not sure what to make of that.
The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism. > Suffice it to say that the China Daily is probably not the most objective read on the planet.
You smoke in crowded elevators. > Heck, you smoke EVERYWHERE!!! Everyone smokes, everywhere. 'Nuff said.
All white people look the same to you. > Self explantory, I think.
You like the smell of the bus, > Or the subway, or the street ... believe me, a lot of the time, it all stinks.
You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly. > About all you can say about most of them, is that they're breathing. And they don't seem to be in any HURRY to do that!
You no longer need tissues to blow your nose. > You're familiar with the "one finger holding one nostril shut" farmer blow? They've got it down to an art form here. I think there are accuracy contest somewhere ... really! Might be an Olympic sport next year.
You find western toilets uncomfortable. > I think I've mentioned occasionally finding shoe prints on the toilet seats of western toilets. Guess they can't go unless they squat sometimes.
You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person). > OK, I really DO do this. We were told that the Chinese sewage system cannot handle the amount of toilet paper that we'd all put down the drain, so we're instructed to put toilet paper in the basket instead (honestly, I only do it for #1, not #2). So I guess we are filling a really large landfill somewhere with our soiled tissues. It does force one to empty the wastebaskets DAILY!!
You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy. > And if you want to be REALLY healthy, go to Beijing. I think you can actually CHEW the air there!!
You think a 30 year old woman who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute. > Let me add that she is probably wearing a green shirt, a yellow skirt, purple high heels (with rhinestone appliques), and carrying a chartreuse handbag. Her cell phone has NUMEROUS sparkly frou frous dangling from it. Tres chic!!
A sexual pervert is a man who prefers women to money. > Well, what can I say? Now that they are getting a taste of having a little money in their pockets here, they LIKE it. Can you blame them? But yes, Shanghai seems to be a bit obsessed with the almighty greenback (or the Mao-back as you might call it here).
It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window. > This is indeed a bit startling. There is zero desire to clean up after oneself here, and yes, chances are good there is someone right around the corner whose job it is to pick up whatever crap you may have left behind. It is hard to get used to though ... we hail from the land of "Don't be a litterbug!!" I believe they think it's actually patriotic in this country to create a job for someone in this manner. And don't lean too far out the window .... there might be something hurtling at you from above!!
You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown. > OK, I can't say that I've seen dark brown, but various hues of yellow and green fill our sink and tub periodically. All I can say is drink ONLY bottled water ... preferably Perrier!
You tell your parents their house back in your home country has bad feng shui. > Yep, I'm learning a few of those tricks. Don't put a mirror at the entrance of your home - keeps out the good spirits trying to enter. Aquariums are good luck (and good for the blood pressure, I think). The decorative (although blunt) swords we will use in our sword Tai Chi class are lovely enough to hang on a wall, which my friend, Toni, said she will do at the entrance of her apartment. I told her that I was QUITE SURE that that was BAD feng shui.
You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off. > I'd revise that to $12. Lately, I've spent $10 USD on shirts and thought it was a pretty good deal.
You always leave tray and trash on the table when you are in Starbucks because you insist it is the way to keep everyone employed. > See the "Litterbug" entry above.
You buy an XXXL T-shirt in the store when you return home. > Yeah, I wear a XXL here .... what's up with that?????
You take large sums of cash whenever you go to the hospital. > Medical care in this county can be extremely expensive, and it's pay for services UP FRONT. No pay, no service ... period. If your memory is strong enough to remember my liver tumor experience .... well, suffice it to say that you don't EVEN want to know what that cost!! The credit cards got a major workout that day!!!!
You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on the restaurant floor. > Spitting comes as natural as breathing to the locals. And they can do it louder than anyone else on the planet.
You think it's silly to buy a new bike when it'll get stolen soon and stolen bikes are half the price. > And it gives someone a job ..... stealing bikes!!!
You'd rather pay the 10 yuan for an all night stay at the internet cafe than the 30 for a taxi home. > That's for the younger of the expats who can still stay up all night ANYWHERE!
You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when receiving a haircut. > Did I write about the one haircut that I got across the street? It's true .... you do get the most lovely head, neck and shoulder massage before, during, and after the shampoo process. And yes, I sometimes feel cheated now that Randy is my hair cutter. I'm lucky if he blows the trimmed hair off my shoulders (although he does give a good haircut for future reference, ladies).
You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue. > Indeed, the idea of forming a line is a foreign idea to the locals here.
It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the elevator before anyone can get off > Or the subway or the bus.
It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting. > Did someone at Kaumagraph write this??? Seriously, it does seem that a concensus must indeed be reached before performing the most minute of tasks .... like swatting a fly. "We'd better consult 18 other people before we swat that fly! It may not be in the PEOPLE'S best interest!"
You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes. > Now that they have them, they TRULY LOVE their cars here. And the expats utilizing a driver, taxi, subway or bus are thrilled to not have to deal with vehicles, maintenance, gas and insurance prices, and car payments!!! Go figure.
You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue. > And this is why the simplest transaction at the bank takes a minimum of one hour .... no lie!
You believe everything you read in the local newspaper. > And my virginity has been restored and I became the tooth fairy all in one fell swoop.
You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different. > And did I mention that they often do not know how to make a dirty martini?
You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb. > Oh, by the way, they'll have to consult 18 other people first.
You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk. > Well, you see, this is why we DON'T drive here!! Dodging cars and motorcycles while walking down the sidewalk is the most sublime form of sport for many expats here.
When shopping at Carrefour some westerner stares you down for catching you looking into his basket while you wonder to yourself what westerners really eat. > Yes, I've actually removed people's faces from my shopping basket on occasion. I think they aren't really sure we are human, and therefore, do we really EAT??
You have a pinky fingernail an inch long > OK, this really is the GROSSEST thing!! Yes, MANY men here have very long pinky fingernails. We've ascertained that this growth is used as a tool (for picking the teeth or the nose or the ... well, you get the idea). And some of you know about my nice hands and nails fetish ... I do my best to conceal those uncontrollable shivers I have every now and then. Blech!!!!
You burp in any situation and don't care > Or spit, or pee, or blow the nose (sans Kleenex), or smack the lips saliciously while eating with your mouth open. Yep, no big deal.
You start to watch CCTV9 and feel warm and comforted by the governments great work. > Well, come on!! They ARE doing great work, aren't they? They've managed to get all of US working over here!
You think Pizza Hut is high-class and worth queueing for. > Yeah, they do have a thing for Pizza Hut over here. And no, it's not as good as Pizza Hut back home.
When you are able to jump the queue because the idiot westerner left 2 centimeters between himself and the person in front of him. > Ah yes ... do not, I repeat, DO NOT leave any space between you and the person in front of you while in a queue. This is cause for immediate queue jumping and rioting!!!
You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules. > I think I've mentioned that traffic lights and signs here are a mere suggestion. And anyone turning right has the right of way regardless of what or whom may be crossing the street in front of him. Cross at your own peril!!
You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai, > Meaning "Stupid foreigner!" I've recently learned the Shanghaiese term for "Idiot" (impossible to spell), and you'd be surprised how easily it rolls off the tongue these days.
You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle. > The rule of thumb while driving a bike down the road in any traffic is "If I don't look at you, then you are not there."
The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card. > Yes, handing someone your card (while holding it firmly between TWO hands and presenting it with straight arms offering a slight bow) is the preferred method of greeting someone here ... especially if you are trying to impress them.
You go to the local market in pajamas. > This is the most hysterical phenomena!! The locals often actually do walk around the streets in their pajamas. I've heard this goes back to the days when nobody had more than one or two outfits to wear, so on laundry day, you wore your PJ's all day. I asked Randy the other day if it was OK with him if I started wearing pajamas on the street, and he replied only if I wear stripe tops with flowered bottoms!! One doesn't wish to stick out like a sore thumb, after all.
Someone doesn't stare at you and you wonder why. > Staring doesn't seem to be rude at all here (OK, there isn't MUCH that is considered rude). The staring is easy enough to get used to. And there are expats walking around all over the place here, but the Asians still look at us as though we're from another planet.
Firecrackers don't wake you up. > Yep, true enough.
Your family stops asking when you'll be coming back. > Not sure I see that day coming. They're still shocked that we're actually HERE!!
You wear out your vehicle's horn before its brakes. > Usually honking at those bikers that refuse to look at you!!
You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, "Go away; leave me alone." > It MUST be true. That's what I mean when I do it!
All the top-level government officials you befriended for guanxi purposes when you first arrived are retired and living in your country. > They are???? S**T ... THAT's where they went!!
After being in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which
hospital to take you to > And it AIN'T the Chinese one.
You don't bother to take the sticker off the lenses of your fake Ray-Bans. > What do you mean, they're fake???? They told me "Velly best quality!!!"
You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs. > Don't forget the patent leather dress shoes!!
You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.> Yes, this is a rather strange habit the Chinese have acquired. Randy works with Roger, Stephen, Dawn, Kyle, Sandra, Wind, Vita, and a whole host of others that sound like they could be your next door neighbors ..... none of them their real names though.
Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat. > Well, the only way to be sure you will arrive at the appropriate destination is to hand your taxi driver a card with Chinese directions on it (which every business has printed out just for that purpose). We're filling our second book.
You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign. > Yes, they have this hand sign for each number 1 through 10 (I know 1, 2, 3, and 10 so far). And if you do not understand the price spoken to you in Mandarin, they'll gladly show you the hand signal which is equally indistinguable to me.
You start recognising the Chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver. > OK, when I read this, I laughed out loud because it is true. I've heard the same songs played so many times ("only my LOVE RADIO, only my love radio" ... sing it with me now), that I can actually sing these songs IN MANDARIN. No, I have no idea what I'm saying which makes it all the more ludicrous, I know.
You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you. > Yeah, you remember the "Wah-come to Hooters!" thing. They do that everywhere. The louder the better. They welcome you if you're walking down the street and are not even THINKING about going inside ... yeah, you're welcome!!
OK, I know these were sarcastic and a bit irreverent. But meant, really, all in good fun! We do still respect the fact that WE are the foreigners here, and as such, it is our burden to assimilate ourselves into the culture. So excuse me while I hock up a lugie.
With the arrival of Labor Day in the states, we realized that we were coming into football season (AMERICAN football .... not to be confused with the rest of the world's seeming obsession with soccer ... YUCK!!). Randy had mentioned to me that a bar/restaurant in our neighborhood called Bubba's Texas Roadhouse was planning to televise via tape delay 5 or 6 NCAA football games on Saturdays and Sundays during the season. The premise seemed interesting. The owner of Bubba's publishes an online poll to determine which are the more popular games, and then basically TIVO's the games to be broadcast at the restaurant. We'd discovered the game between Michigan State Spartans and the University of Alabama - Birmingham was being shown on Sunday, September 2, so we decided to take in a game and enjoy a bit of BBQ to comfort ourselves about the fact that there seems to be no notice of REAL football here at all. We had to warn folks back home to not reveal the score of the game to us so we could be surprised.
We'd actually been to Bubba's once previously in the spring, and didn't find the experience worth repeating, but the addition of the football game gave us incentive to give them another look-see. There were only two seats left in the place when we arrived, and they were at the bar, but there was a nice sized TV monitor on the far side of the bar, and we had a good view. There were quite a few "Sparties" on the premises so we enjoyed a few conversations with some of them (my grandparents while wintering in Florida always had this habit of asking Michiganders "Who are you back home?" which always bemused me, but now I sort of understand it). The fellow sitting next to me at the bar seemed to be rooting for State, so I asked if he was from Michigan. Oh, no .... Mississippi. OK. I must have had a quizzical look on my face because he went on to explain that he rooted for anybody who goes up against UAB. OK, THAT I understood .... like MY favorite team is anybody who plays Notre Dame (the "God is on OUR side" college). I mentioned my ND aversion, and he replied that he and I MIGHT have issues, but with a big wink.
The game was a blow out in MSU's favor, but Bubba's redeemed themselves with a really outstanding meal of smoked ribs, corn bread, beans, and fries .... good old fashioned comfort food that might have come straight off my Daddy's grill. And I enjoyed what may have been the very best dirty martini I have ever tasted. Here in Shanghai, asking for a dirty martini is an iffy proposition .... you may or may not get the desired libation, so I was very pleasantly surprised.
That same weekend, our compound hosted another dance in the plaza, this time with a Latin flair. A band had been procured, and Salsa was their specialty. My friend, Suely, told us to expect gazpacho from her kitchen, so in keeping with the theme, I thought it might be nice to take along some sangria. I had all the ingredients. Now all I needed was a container in which to mix and transport it.
Everything in Shanghai is made for convenience of storage in a place where lack of space is a prime concern. There is no such thing as a pitcher larger than quart and a half anywhere in this city .... believe me, we've searched high and low. Well, being the industrious camper that I am, I decided the four litre plastic jugs which contained our bottled water would do the trick. I sliced the oranges and apples thin enough to go through the opening, mixed in the wine, juice, and ginger ale, and we were good to go. I even had the foresight to freeze an orange and slice it for a duel purpose way to garnish and cool our drinks, although keeping anything chilled for long in this heat is a challenge.
Anyway, had a really nice evening, met some new American expats, drank too much sangria, and truly enjoyed some of the BEST gazpacho ever. Unfortunately our evening was cut short by an unexpected rain shower. But lately, I have to say that rain showers are a welcome respite from the steaming heat of the late summer in the city.
Our Ayi is doing very well, and I am really pleased with my decision to hire her. There was a bit of a mix up at first concerning which day of the week she'd be working here, but that's resolved. I apparently am quite lucky to have been blessed with a hard working and efficient Ayi. Many of my expat lady friends have conveyed displeasure with some of their help along with a few horror stories: "She washed the dishes with the same rag with which she cleaned the toilet!!" "I went out for groceries, and when I came back, she was asleep on the sofa!!" "She didn't know how to do the simplest things ... had to teach her EVERYTHING!!"
Well, I can report that I have nothing but good news on that score. I did have concerns about the lunch situation .... was I to provide lunch for my Ayi, or not? I was getting mixed answers from the other expat ladies. I decided to err in favor of the full stomach, and mixed up a mess of stir fried cabbage with noodles, and a side dish of yogurt last week which went over extremely well, so I think I've got the "Ayi mistress" role figured out. She is very sweet, but bless her heart, doesn't know a word of English! S'OK. We smile at each other a lot.
This past weekend, we had an opportunity to visit a beach just outside of Shanghai. A coworker of Randy's, Wind (yes, that is his chosen English name) and his wife, Nicole (also the chosen English name), invited us to ride along with them. Wind and Nicole live only a block or two away from us, and it's really handy having some local Chinese friends nearby. They had decided to drive to a coastal community to check out an investment opportunity, and graciously offered to take us along so we could see some new territory.
The weather was overcast and gray, and threatened rain most of the day, but we were undaunted. After an hour's travel, we arrived at a rather lovely park area built along the shore where quite a number of Chinese folks were swimming and frolicking in the sand. There was a large, meandering boardwalk with lots of kiosks selling beverages, meat on a stick, swimsuits, and various beach toys and trinkets. Large inflatable amusement activities for children peppered the sand, and bicycles built for two (or three) or jet skis could be rented for a few hours.
Wind and Nicole are considering the rental of one of the above mentioned kiosks for next season to sell beverages to thirsty beach goers. The entire beach area is enclosed by a large pier which can be traveled by foot, bike, or car. Within that area, the water is filtered and cleaned so as to make it appropriate for swimming. And it did look pretty nice (much to our surprise). We waded a bit, mostly just so we could say we'd actually set foot in the China Sea ... it wasn't much different than one of the Great Lakes.
After walking the pier, we sat down to a lovely BBQ lunch of various noodles and meat on a stick ... chicken, pork, and seafood (Wind called it "Sleeve Fish," but it reminded me of squid ... quite tasty). It was a relief to not have a blazing hot day for a change, the breeze was cool and refreshing, and Wind and Nicole were charming hosts.
The catalyst for touching on this "slice of life in Shanghai" topic was the reception of an email from my expat friend, Katja. I didn't want to utilize the entire email (which was rather lengthy), but I have picked out excerpts which I think you'll find interesting, and added my own ramblings. At any rate, we expats got a great laugh out of it as these are things we experience almost daily.
"You know you've been in China too long when ...."
You're at an expensive western restaurant and don't even notice the guy at the next table yelling into his cell phone. > OK, this could be anywhere in the world, but everyone DOES seem to be louder in China, maybe due to the fact that one must always speak over hundreds of others who are all trying hard to speak over YOU!
You walk backwards in the park listening to a transistor radio. > I do find this interesting. There are large numbers of people here who walk backwards for exercise. I'm not sure what's up with that, but it is amusing. There is also a lady in our complex who marches quite religiously every morning over the bed of river rocks that are meant to disguise our rather large drainage covers in the park while clapping her hands loudly. Again, not sure what to make of that.
The China Daily is your source for hard hitting, fast breaking, investigative journalism. > Suffice it to say that the China Daily is probably not the most objective read on the planet.
You smoke in crowded elevators. > Heck, you smoke EVERYWHERE!!! Everyone smokes, everywhere. 'Nuff said.
All white people look the same to you. > Self explantory, I think.
You like the smell of the bus, > Or the subway, or the street ... believe me, a lot of the time, it all stinks.
You find state-employed retail staff helpful, knowledgeable and friendly. > About all you can say about most of them, is that they're breathing. And they don't seem to be in any HURRY to do that!
You no longer need tissues to blow your nose. > You're familiar with the "one finger holding one nostril shut" farmer blow? They've got it down to an art form here. I think there are accuracy contest somewhere ... really! Might be an Olympic sport next year.
You find western toilets uncomfortable. > I think I've mentioned occasionally finding shoe prints on the toilet seats of western toilets. Guess they can't go unless they squat sometimes.
You throw your used toilet paper in the basket (as a courtesy to the next person). > OK, I really DO do this. We were told that the Chinese sewage system cannot handle the amount of toilet paper that we'd all put down the drain, so we're instructed to put toilet paper in the basket instead (honestly, I only do it for #1, not #2). So I guess we are filling a really large landfill somewhere with our soiled tissues. It does force one to empty the wastebaskets DAILY!!
You think that the heavy air actually contains valuable nutrients that you need to stay healthy. > And if you want to be REALLY healthy, go to Beijing. I think you can actually CHEW the air there!!
You think a 30 year old woman who carries a Hello Kitty lunch box is cute. > Let me add that she is probably wearing a green shirt, a yellow skirt, purple high heels (with rhinestone appliques), and carrying a chartreuse handbag. Her cell phone has NUMEROUS sparkly frou frous dangling from it. Tres chic!!
A sexual pervert is a man who prefers women to money. > Well, what can I say? Now that they are getting a taste of having a little money in their pockets here, they LIKE it. Can you blame them? But yes, Shanghai seems to be a bit obsessed with the almighty greenback (or the Mao-back as you might call it here).
It's OK to throw rubbish, including old fridges, from your 18th-floor window. > This is indeed a bit startling. There is zero desire to clean up after oneself here, and yes, chances are good there is someone right around the corner whose job it is to pick up whatever crap you may have left behind. It is hard to get used to though ... we hail from the land of "Don't be a litterbug!!" I believe they think it's actually patriotic in this country to create a job for someone in this manner. And don't lean too far out the window .... there might be something hurtling at you from above!!
You are not surprised to see your tap water run dark brown. > OK, I can't say that I've seen dark brown, but various hues of yellow and green fill our sink and tub periodically. All I can say is drink ONLY bottled water ... preferably Perrier!
You tell your parents their house back in your home country has bad feng shui. > Yep, I'm learning a few of those tricks. Don't put a mirror at the entrance of your home - keeps out the good spirits trying to enter. Aquariums are good luck (and good for the blood pressure, I think). The decorative (although blunt) swords we will use in our sword Tai Chi class are lovely enough to hang on a wall, which my friend, Toni, said she will do at the entrance of her apartment. I told her that I was QUITE SURE that that was BAD feng shui.
You think that a $7 shirt is a rip-off. > I'd revise that to $12. Lately, I've spent $10 USD on shirts and thought it was a pretty good deal.
You always leave tray and trash on the table when you are in Starbucks because you insist it is the way to keep everyone employed. > See the "Litterbug" entry above.
You buy an XXXL T-shirt in the store when you return home. > Yeah, I wear a XXL here .... what's up with that?????
You take large sums of cash whenever you go to the hospital. > Medical care in this county can be extremely expensive, and it's pay for services UP FRONT. No pay, no service ... period. If your memory is strong enough to remember my liver tumor experience .... well, suffice it to say that you don't EVEN want to know what that cost!! The credit cards got a major workout that day!!!!
You have no reservations about spitting sun flower seeds on the restaurant floor. > Spitting comes as natural as breathing to the locals. And they can do it louder than anyone else on the planet.
You think it's silly to buy a new bike when it'll get stolen soon and stolen bikes are half the price. > And it gives someone a job ..... stealing bikes!!!
You'd rather pay the 10 yuan for an all night stay at the internet cafe than the 30 for a taxi home. > That's for the younger of the expats who can still stay up all night ANYWHERE!
You feel cheated if you don't receive a full head and shoulder massage when receiving a haircut. > Did I write about the one haircut that I got across the street? It's true .... you do get the most lovely head, neck and shoulder massage before, during, and after the shampoo process. And yes, I sometimes feel cheated now that Randy is my hair cutter. I'm lucky if he blows the trimmed hair off my shoulders (although he does give a good haircut for future reference, ladies).
You no longer wait in line, but go immediately to the head of the queue. > Indeed, the idea of forming a line is a foreign idea to the locals here.
It becomes exciting to see if you can get on the elevator before anyone can get off > Or the subway or the bus.
It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting. > Did someone at Kaumagraph write this??? Seriously, it does seem that a concensus must indeed be reached before performing the most minute of tasks .... like swatting a fly. "We'd better consult 18 other people before we swat that fly! It may not be in the PEOPLE'S best interest!"
You no longer wonder how someone who earns US$400.00 per month can drive a Mercedes. > Now that they have them, they TRULY LOVE their cars here. And the expats utilizing a driver, taxi, subway or bus are thrilled to not have to deal with vehicles, maintenance, gas and insurance prices, and car payments!!! Go figure.
You accept the fact that you have to queue to get a number for the next queue. > And this is why the simplest transaction at the bank takes a minimum of one hour .... no lie!
You believe everything you read in the local newspaper. > And my virginity has been restored and I became the tooth fairy all in one fell swoop.
You regard it as part of the adventure when the waiter correctly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different. > And did I mention that they often do not know how to make a dirty martini?
You are not surprised when three men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb. > Oh, by the way, they'll have to consult 18 other people first.
You honk your horn at people because they are in your way as you drive down the sidewalk. > Well, you see, this is why we DON'T drive here!! Dodging cars and motorcycles while walking down the sidewalk is the most sublime form of sport for many expats here.
When shopping at Carrefour some westerner stares you down for catching you looking into his basket while you wonder to yourself what westerners really eat. > Yes, I've actually removed people's faces from my shopping basket on occasion. I think they aren't really sure we are human, and therefore, do we really EAT??
You have a pinky fingernail an inch long > OK, this really is the GROSSEST thing!! Yes, MANY men here have very long pinky fingernails. We've ascertained that this growth is used as a tool (for picking the teeth or the nose or the ... well, you get the idea). And some of you know about my nice hands and nails fetish ... I do my best to conceal those uncontrollable shivers I have every now and then. Blech!!!!
You burp in any situation and don't care > Or spit, or pee, or blow the nose (sans Kleenex), or smack the lips saliciously while eating with your mouth open. Yep, no big deal.
You start to watch CCTV9 and feel warm and comforted by the governments great work. > Well, come on!! They ARE doing great work, aren't they? They've managed to get all of US working over here!
You think Pizza Hut is high-class and worth queueing for. > Yeah, they do have a thing for Pizza Hut over here. And no, it's not as good as Pizza Hut back home.
When you are able to jump the queue because the idiot westerner left 2 centimeters between himself and the person in front of him. > Ah yes ... do not, I repeat, DO NOT leave any space between you and the person in front of you while in a queue. This is cause for immediate queue jumping and rioting!!!
You have absolutely no sense of traffic rules. > I think I've mentioned that traffic lights and signs here are a mere suggestion. And anyone turning right has the right of way regardless of what or whom may be crossing the street in front of him. Cross at your own peril!!
You start calling other foreigners Lao Wai, > Meaning "Stupid foreigner!" I've recently learned the Shanghaiese term for "Idiot" (impossible to spell), and you'd be surprised how easily it rolls off the tongue these days.
You start cutting off large vehicles on your bicycle. > The rule of thumb while driving a bike down the road in any traffic is "If I don't look at you, then you are not there."
The last time you visited your mother, you gave her your business card. > Yes, handing someone your card (while holding it firmly between TWO hands and presenting it with straight arms offering a slight bow) is the preferred method of greeting someone here ... especially if you are trying to impress them.
You go to the local market in pajamas. > This is the most hysterical phenomena!! The locals often actually do walk around the streets in their pajamas. I've heard this goes back to the days when nobody had more than one or two outfits to wear, so on laundry day, you wore your PJ's all day. I asked Randy the other day if it was OK with him if I started wearing pajamas on the street, and he replied only if I wear stripe tops with flowered bottoms!! One doesn't wish to stick out like a sore thumb, after all.
Someone doesn't stare at you and you wonder why. > Staring doesn't seem to be rude at all here (OK, there isn't MUCH that is considered rude). The staring is easy enough to get used to. And there are expats walking around all over the place here, but the Asians still look at us as though we're from another planet.
Firecrackers don't wake you up. > Yep, true enough.
Your family stops asking when you'll be coming back. > Not sure I see that day coming. They're still shocked that we're actually HERE!!
You wear out your vehicle's horn before its brakes. > Usually honking at those bikers that refuse to look at you!!
You realize that smiling and nodding is Chinese body language for, "Go away; leave me alone." > It MUST be true. That's what I mean when I do it!
All the top-level government officials you befriended for guanxi purposes when you first arrived are retired and living in your country. > They are???? S**T ... THAT's where they went!!
After being in an accident, you tell the ambulance driver which
hospital to take you to > And it AIN'T the Chinese one.
You don't bother to take the sticker off the lenses of your fake Ray-Bans. > What do you mean, they're fake???? They told me "Velly best quality!!!"
You only wear a suit when you dig ditches or do home repairs. > Don't forget the patent leather dress shoes!!
You compiled a 3-page list of weird English first names that Chinese people of your acquaintance have chosen for themselves.> Yes, this is a rather strange habit the Chinese have acquired. Randy works with Roger, Stephen, Dawn, Kyle, Sandra, Wind, Vita, and a whole host of others that sound like they could be your next door neighbors ..... none of them their real names though.
Your collection of business cards has outgrown your flat. > Well, the only way to be sure you will arrive at the appropriate destination is to hand your taxi driver a card with Chinese directions on it (which every business has printed out just for that purpose). We're filling our second book.
You cannot say a number without making the appropriate hand sign. > Yes, they have this hand sign for each number 1 through 10 (I know 1, 2, 3, and 10 so far). And if you do not understand the price spoken to you in Mandarin, they'll gladly show you the hand signal which is equally indistinguable to me.
You start recognising the Chinese songs on the radio and sing along to them with the taxi driver. > OK, when I read this, I laughed out loud because it is true. I've heard the same songs played so many times ("only my LOVE RADIO, only my love radio" ... sing it with me now), that I can actually sing these songs IN MANDARIN. No, I have no idea what I'm saying which makes it all the more ludicrous, I know.
You feel insulted when you enter a restaurant and only three waiters welcome you. > Yeah, you remember the "Wah-come to Hooters!" thing. They do that everywhere. The louder the better. They welcome you if you're walking down the street and are not even THINKING about going inside ... yeah, you're welcome!!
OK, I know these were sarcastic and a bit irreverent. But meant, really, all in good fun! We do still respect the fact that WE are the foreigners here, and as such, it is our burden to assimilate ourselves into the culture. So excuse me while I hock up a lugie.
posted by Roxanne Gillett at
7:05 PM
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