APRIL 10, 2009

I have been struggling about the next blog post because what I am inspired to write about lately is the negative and emotional "down sides" to living in China. I had always hoped to post about our adventures in a positive, upbeat manner (because an optimist is I what I have always considered myself to be .... "Find the good in everything" was the advice given me by the matriarchs in my life). But the truth is that I find myself somewhat cynical and intolerant lately. So after mentally debating writing about this for a couple of weeks, and realizing that this is indeed quite realistic in terms of an expat's experience in China, I decided to push forward with the airing of my thoughts. Who knows? Maybe it will give me an outlet for releasing some tension ..... a literary "pillow punching" event, if you will. So here goes.

There does seem to be a continuum in terms of a Western person's tolerance for living in China. As with everything in life, everyone's perspective is viewed through glasses tinted by a person's life experience and education. And living here is no different. I am familiar with couples who moved to Shanghai over 15 years ago, consider it their permanent home, and could think of no other way to spend their lives. Conversely, I also know of wives that came here due to their husband's employment situation (much like mine) and being paralyzed by fear, could not bring themselves to leave their apartment. Unfortunately, some of those wives eventually told their husbands, "Sorry, I'm outta here!!" At which time, those marriages became long distance relationships .... a hardship to be sure.

To be honest, the first year of living here seemed like an extended vacation. I looked at the experience from the perspective of a small child .... everything here was new, exciting, a little scary, and a tremendous opportunity for growth. I won't say that I leaped into the adventure with total abandon. It was with more than a little trepidation that I took those first steps outside of our compound, tried to purchase fruit from the local vendors, got a haircut, learned Tai Chi, and struggled to understand and make myself understood with fledgling Mandarin swimming in my head.

Eventually, wonder gave way to a certain amount of frustration while attempting to carve out a life here. It IS comical the first time you have a meal with a group of people and none of the meals come out of the kitchen at the same time. After a while, it becomes obvious that (at least in a primarily Chinese kitchen), they prepare the meals which are the simplest (and with which they are most familiar) first, leaving the most complicated for last (maybe hoping that the customer will ultimately change their mind?). But the tenth time it happens, it's no longer as humorous. Getting a cold beverage, or even obtaining ice, can be near or next to impossible. The lack of respect for personal space, or manners regarding the simplest things such as forming a line into a queue, or allowing riders off the elevator or subway before attempting to enter are absolutely nonexistent. Everyone who hasn't lived under a rock the last twenty years has heard about the lack of quality and attention to detail of most products and services in China .... these stories are not exaggerated. And don't even get me started about the chaotic traffic and total lack of patience and courtesy exhibited by Shanghai drivers ..... not only is it nonexistent, it's downright dangerous!! There is only one traffic law in Shanghai .... the rudest and most aggressive driver has the right of way be it vehicular or pedestrian traffic making for incredibly obnoxious driving habits (and terrifying riding experiences!). If I were to own any kind of business here, it would an automotive horn repair shop. It's the part on a vehicle that gets the most use, and it's used constantly to excess!!

Trust me, I could go on and on. So here's a warning, I just MIGHT!!! Whenever two or more expat women are assembled, the topic of conversation for the majority of the meeting will be the frustrations of trying to slog our way through life in a third world nation. MOST of the time, we manage to laugh about it. We all share our seemingly never-ending horror stories, and surprisingly, so is our amazement (never-ending, that is). A good friend, Therese, put it quite poetically in my opinion. We expats are all like onions when we come over here, thick skinned, freshly plucked from the fertile earth with just a bit of dirt left to protect us from the outside world, juicy and resilient on the inside. But as we face more and more frustration on a daily basis, slowly but surely, layer upon layer erodes, leaving us somewhat hard, dried up and a bit raw from wear .... as well as less acceptable for use in the "civilized" world.

It is a conundrum to me how people who have been raised in what is supposed to be the best working example of communistic theories (that theory being everything, everywhere is always for the good of the people) that everyone seems to be out for themselves without regard or compassion for their fellow man! Never have I seen a place where cheating or deception for your own gain is not only accepted, it is EXPECTED!!! Forget "all for one, and one for all." Here it's "eat or be eaten," "I'll get mine before somebody else does," "survival of the fittest (or the fastest or rudest or strongest)," and especially .... "if you have it and I want it, I'll simply take it." There does seem to be a serious lack of integrity in most business dealings which breeds suspicion like crazy ..... see, it's even affected ME, the biggest Pollyanna of all time!!

Randy and I were the recipient of our first counterfeit currency last week, a 20 rmb bill which we believe we received in a transaction with a taxi driver. Honestly, we're extremely lucky that we haven't had this experience heretofore because most expats with whom we are familiar have had to deal with this multiple times. I suppose if this were to occur in the states, we'd be appalled, hand the offending bill over to the authorities, and retribution would be sought against the criminal. What did we do? We continued to try to pass it on until some less experienced person (a different taxi driver, in this case) unwittingly took it off our hands. And we didn't feel the slightest guilt about it .... well, OK, maybe a little or else I might not be writing about the event.

I no longer have qualms about barging OUT of the subway or elevator, almost knocking down the clamoring throngs that are more than willing to push me out of the way to get inside. I willingly walk out into the crosswalk (only AFTER I see the little green "walk" guy on the traffic signal) and hold up my hand firmly in front of the drivers who act like "If I do not see you, then you don't exist." I relayed the story to my mother the other day about one of these drivers that did indeed almost hit me at which point I held my hand a little higher, a little firmer, put on my best "mad" expression as I spun on my heel to face him, and yelled, "HEY ... STOP!!" (in English, silly me!). Of course, he had already stopped, but he reminded me of my dog when I scold her .... looked out the window in order to avoid acknowledging his ineptness by looking at me directly (that blasted "saving face" thing!). I know .... I have to stop that. Going to get myself killed.

We have been ignored at the Dairy Queen counter because the employees were afraid they'd have a hard time communicating with us (well, we're afraid of that sometimes too, but at least we try!!). We are often overcharged for items when shopping because the local thought is "if they are NOT Asian, then they are wealthy" and they feel completely justified in trying to get more money from us than their fellow Shanghaiese. I have learned to say in Mandarin the phrase, "I live in Shanghai." (or to be more exact, "I am a Shanghai person.") in order to be given the same price as a local person. Our sleeves are tugged incessantly in some parts of town by people selling trinkets (junk) or beggars who carry children to make you feel more sorry for them. Or worse yet, there are the shoe shine guys that squirt some kind of paste on your shoes which must then be cleaned off, and then they feel justified requesting a donation because of course they have just shined your shoes!!

One of the biggest complaints of expat women is the lack of significance given their requests for service of any kind. Most of us expat woman here are not working outside the home, and are here in support of their husband's career. As such, we try not to bother our husbands with mundane and lengthy "honey-do" lists which can be accomplished by the maintenance staff in our various compounds in which we live. The problem is that requests made by women are either totally ignored or serviced quickly and sloppily (LOTS of jerry-rigging going on over here) in order to placate said women as easily as possible. Typically, any request for service is made three times or more before it is given any consideration whatsoever. Currently, we have a slow leak from our toilet (which is rapidly becoming a fast leak). I have no doubt whatsoever that MY request for service would result in the gift of a hand towel with which to mop up the bathroom floor. So I have asked Randy to call the landlord who is WAY more likely to see some kind of satisfactory result than MY request would elicit.

This is very curious to me because in every other part of China, the idea of women in Shanghai is one of dominance, force, ambition, manipulation (she wears the pants in the family so to speak), etc. In fact, it's a bit of an insult to be called a Shanghai woman if you happen to live in, say Beijing. And most Chinese men treat other Chinese women here with respect and even reverence. We laugh about the number of Chinese men we see here who carry their wives' handbags for them (and for the life of me, I can't understand why Randy won't do this for me!!). But for some reason, we expat women are just so much fluff and as such, can be completely disregarded without consequence. Most of us surrender those requests to our husbands as we know action will be taken as a result. I DID warn you I'd be going on and on, didn't I?

Well, suffice it to say that we may be becoming hard, dry, little onions these days. And maybe me more so than Randy. I believe some of my lack of tolerance is due to the fact that there are some major life activities going on in the lives of our kids stateside. My son, Jake, had his senior prom last week which I would have loved to have seen (well, at least his tall, handsome frame in a tuxedo standing next to his beautiful date). I have a nephew being confirmed at church, as well as representing his school in a statewide geography bee, and playing first chair trumpet for his school concert. My folks are dealing with the disposition of the estate of my recently deceased grandmother, and I'm certain I could of assistance if I were on hand. A big family party was thrown for a relative who turned 50 years of age. So many things happening that we cannot be a part due to our need to live on the other side of the planet. All this may play a role in my inability to cope well these days.

But I think my biggest beef about living in Shanghai is environmental. The haze floating in the air never really clears completely, even on a sunny day. Due to constant construction, street maintenance, huge street sweeping machines (which do nothing but throw dust into the air), and the tremendous amount of traffic, the volume of particulate in the air is nose clogging, throat burning, and tear producing. I have taken to wearing sunglasses most of the time outside (even when it's cloudy) because it offers minimal protection against the stuff that seems to always get into my eyes whenever we go out on the street. One cannot open a window for a few hours without having to clean the entire apartment completely due to the dust that settles onto every surface. Lighter colored clothes become dark and dingy after being worn outside here just a few times (even after laundering .... and you've already read about my constant laundering activity due to microscopic washing and drying machines). Locals here have no qualms about dropping their garbage anywhere on the street because there are entire armies of people hired to do nothing but pick up crap off the streets ..... but there is so MUCH garbage and they are so ill-equipped that their efforts are a virtual drop in the waste basket. We are coming into what Randy affectionately calls the "smelly season." Not that it isn't smelly most of the time (often we awake to what I call the "foundry" smell having grown up in a small community that included an iron casting foundry so I am quite familiar with that aroma ... which I believe is due to coal burning to produce the majority of China's electricity) but as it begins to warm up, the very ripe smell from the sewers running under the streets becomes almost intolerable.

Well, we have travel plans for later in May to attend graduations, see to some personal business, and hopefully recharge our sorely depleted batteries so that we can face life in Shanghai again with smiles on our faces. Lord knows, this onion needs to get planted in some clear air and sunshine so that she can re-bloom green and fresh, and once again face life with a more tolerant and pleasant attitude. I promise to return to more positive postings, but for now, thanks for letting me vent. I feel better already.